Snowfall Kind of Love

someoneoncetoldme:

April, come she will, when streams are ripe and swelled with rain.

It’s almost been six years now. And sometimes, you still hit me like a brick. A bracelet you bought me, something you used to cook, a song you would sing will trigger a memory and I feel you all around me.

May, she will stay, resting in my arms again.

It’s funny how that happens, even now. After you passed, I would still hear your steps on the stairs, and it would turn out to be an Aunt, or my sister, or your mother. But the steps faded. Perhaps I wouldn’t recognize your steps anymore. But you live in my memory now, and I can still feel your hugs there.

June, she’ll change her tune. In restless walks she’ll prowl the night.

Some things I can’t seem to shake. I could never fall asleep until you did. I don’t stay awake until 5am anymore, but sleep before 2am seems like something that used to happen in a different life.

July, she will fly, and give no warning to her flight.

And yet, the days do grow more often where you slip to the back of my mind. Maybe that’s the passing of time, maybe it’s healing. But I’m terrified of you slipping away. Perhaps when you do come rushing to the front of my thoughts, your absence makes the memories stronger.

August, die she must, the autumn winds blow chilly and cold.

This song, that you loved, reminded us so much of you, Liz and I. You became connected to it. She worried that you would pass in August, but you were so strong. You fought, until we were ready. I don’t think we thought we were. You were sure of it. And we made it.

September, I remember! A love once young has now grown old.

I made it. I built on your strength, I drew from your bravery. I experienced a joy of life and living and love that I doubt I would have found any other way. I wish you were here, I wish you could hold me, I wish I could tell you I was a gay man with pride, and I wish you would be just as proud. I know you would be. I have grown into a better person, a happier person, my successes and my hopes I owe to you.

You still hit me like a brick sometimes. But it’s not sad, it’s joyful. Because in this sudden rush of emotion, despite the years, all I feel is love.

every word. it’s funny that andrew posted this today, because i had a long conversation about you this afternoon.

i’ve been having a harder and harder time as of late, because i can’t even fathom the fact that you are not going to be at my wedding. it makes absolutely no sense in my head.

like andrew, for a really long time i heard you coming up the stairs…it started to happen less and less often, and now I can’t remember the last time it did. but i still have fleeting moments where i hear or see something, and say, wow I can’t wait to tell mom.

i miss you so much.